Suck it Gauge.

Having recently written a rather angry blog during a wine induced rage, I have decided to re-write that little piece in favour of a more elegantly written and eloquently worded piece with regard to gauge.... and here it is.

Whilst creating the pattern for my gorgeous, wonderful and amazing zombie sweater, I have certainly learned a few things.  Mainly "calculating your gauge" is a total crock of shit.  There is one way to do it and this is how.

1. Cast on and knit 20 stitches (not too many so that it feels like a giant waste of time and not so few that you can't really judge what's happening) 
2. Knit the length of your swatch so that it is the same size vertically - but only if you have a vast amount of free time that couldn't possibly be better used to better yourself in some other way. (like watching a re-run of swamp people, or making yourself some fucking nachos.... Also only bother with this step if you are creating your own pattern and it is necessary to find your row gauge... or if you are a fucking lunatic with too much GD time on your hands)
3. Measure the entire length of your swatch, horizontally.
4. Measure that bitch vertically to obtain your approximate row gauge (if nessesary)

Here is exactly how to calculate your horizontal gauge:

I cast on 20 stitches and my swatch is 5" horizontally therefore, 20 stitches = 5 inches and I want my peioce to be 20" wide.  SO  20sts /5" = 4 sts per inch X 20" so I need to cast on 80 stitches. BAM.
      
And now vertical or row gauge: 

My swatch is 5" and 30 rows vertically (Count the number of fucking stitches in 1 inch, and multiply it by however long you need your shit to be.  I hate math) but again who cares about that vertical shit, patterns always just read knit until peice measures ____" from cast on edge. 

So in conclusion:

Dear gauge: 

- Please get fucked.

- Suck it gauge calcuators.... fucking suck it. 

- also if its not an even number I don't care, who knits uneven numbers anyway?

And there you have it.  Gauge: the mystery unraveled if you will.... Solving the worlds knitting problems one post at a time.  You are welcome.

giving knitting the finger

Well as it were, finger knitting is one thing, ARM knitting on the other hand... I suppose, would be kind of like fisting your yarn, it's certainly not for everyone.  However, I guess it's worth a try if your curious, who knows you might like it!  ARM KNITTING that is, I am not going to talk about fisting, that is way out of my line of expertise and this conversation is getting a little awkward to be honest with you... hey look something shiny!

So the other night, at knitting club I decided to take my newest project public and explore the world of arm knitting.  I had recently viewed a post (or perhaps several posts) claiming you could make a beautiful arm knitted, over sized cowl in only 30 minutes.  I'm sure anyone with eyeballs, an interest in scarves or a pinterest account has pinned this saying "OMG I have got to do this"  well.... Challenge accepted Internet! 

I gathered my supplies, choosing 2 (140 g) balls of SUPER bulky yarn, reviewed the "how to" video and went to town.  Being the fantastic and thoughtful wife I am, and not wanting to deprive my hubby of the i-pad for an evening I wrote out some instructions and decided to pretty much wing it.
My pattern went as follows: 

Cast on 12 stitches;
Knit back and forth on arms until you run out of yarn;
sew your ends together;
Don't fuck up.

I've got to say it mostly worked.  I took one end from each ball of yarn put them together (to make it super duper, extra crazy bulky, like the video) and cast on 12 stitches to my right arm... then it occured to me, I knit with my right hand, meaning I WORK the stitches with my right and hold the needle that I pick up the stitches from with my left, switching my needles so that it's always that way... Suddenly I realise I don't know how to knit with my left hand.  So.... I switch my cast on stitches to my left arm, chuckle to myself and praise my own genius.  I then proceed to "knit" my first row and then again I have the stitches on my right arm.... honestly did I not see that coming?  Sometimes I wonder how I get through the day alive, I can be such a dummy.

After about 15 minutes of trial and error, restarting several times and a small amount of swearing and cursing, I finally get into the groove, and it's totally easy!  I'm not going to lie, I am not sure if my knitting experience was a help or a hindrance in this particular effort, but it's not as though I would be able to find out since I can't exactly go back in time and unlearn to knit for the sake of this one silly project... (however if you don't know how to knit, please feel free to let me know your successes or failures (yay!) with this project).

In the end I had several interruptions with regard to, "Is that the scarf from the video", "what in the world? I've never seen anyone do that", "can you teach me?" and my favorite question "are you selling those?" and I should probably mention the following:

1.  It took a bit longer than 30 minutes (once I got the hang of it)
2. Upon my final review of the pattern prior to making it, I realised I did not have the proper amount of yarn, the pattern I used requests you get 4 balls of Super Bulky yarn (not 1- 170 gram ball as I thought I read... which means I likely got confused and reviewed another pattern before purchasing my yarn and another pattern prior to making it....) *insert your eye roll here* and
3. I actually love wearing it, and thanks to the hell of living in Alberta's never ending winter I get a chance to try it out.  Although it does sometimes feel like I am wearing a large batch of spaghetti noodles thanks to my choice in yarn, I'm glad I gave it a shot and I'd probably try it again.

Have a great day everyone, and  remember, you too can fist your yarn... but unless you want to make a public spectacle of yourself, do it at home.

Let's get together again soon, Right?!

Soooo.. ...this isn't awkward at all is it?  I feel like I may have forgotten how to type, talk to humans and generally interact with the general public, so listen up my Knitta's its gonna be a generally awkward post, but hopefully by the end I will have remembered how to orally convey my thoughts. This feel a little like running into a really old friend and being so excited to see them only to realise that you have NOTHING to talk to that person about, because you are now super old and LAME and so you tell them you have to get back to your "friends" which depending on where this encounter occurs could be including but not limited to: 
- your dog
- your kids
- your knitting club
- your awesome mom friends that will openly discuss the fecal habits of your offspring without dry heaving
- your husband, who will generally not make it through the previously mentioned conversation without stated dry heave.....

Thus in an attempt to avoid a further generic line of questioning as to "what have you been doing with yourself" you have an excuse to say, "Lets make sure to catch up soon, I miss you so much!! "

That's kind of how I feel right now, but whatever, its cool.

At any rate, evidently I have been a little busy, M-Bomb turned 4 this year and will STILL not wear a GD thing I make for her (including requested items.... bitch) and Henry (formerly known as child version 0.5 last time I posted) will be turning 2 shortly.  Also, I am quite sure that I have completed and failed a minimum of 200 projects since my last post, but the past is the past right?  Today we are turning over a new leaf, and starting some brand new projects that are going to work!  BAHAHAHAHA, oh my, okay..... 

Some notable projects I have completed in the past few months/ years:

2 full size man sweaters:

Sweater a.)  Simple man sweater in forest green:  stockinette stitch on fairly large needles, worsted weight yarn resulting in a delightfully simple, light weight sweater any man would be proud to wear... but my fault.... I fucked up the collar and made it "weird".

Sweater b.)  Complex man sweater:  Nearly perfectly executed, in spite of the stupid fucking Vogue Knitting pattern I fucking paid for!  This sweater was made in a manly heather grey worsted weight yarn, on smaller needles (as needed to obtain gauge.... fuckers) complete with gorgeous cables throughout the ENTIRE thing.  Front, Back, sleeves... all of it... cabled.  My lovely husband says, its  a bit big... and why are the sleeves so long?

DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING LONG IT TAKES TO MAKE A FULL SIZE MAN SWEATER WITH CABLES??!!  DO YOU?!?!  SAY THANK YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL SON OF A FUCK!  (I'm not sure I mean that, I'm still just so angry)

Lets see, I also completed:

- a rainbow skirt for Muriel, its adorable "but it rolls up at the bottom mom" however I can still convince her to wear it occasionally
- a rainbow sweater for Muriel (it's too small, in spite of the fact that the measurements are actually PERFECT) 
- countless pairs of slippers for random children
- adorable baby hats
- slipper BOOTS for me (Yay!)
- a knitted version of some My Little Ponies, for a certain little girl who loves MLP almost as much as me... I mean Muriel! 
- 2 tiny little man sweaters for Henry (who cannot refuse to wear the things I make for him because I'm the boss!)
- 3 large,  knitted rag dolls for all the best little Gals in my life.  These dolls were probably my crowning achievement of the last year.... seriously I kicked ass on these little bitches.

Anyway, in an attempt to prove that it's always the pattern that fucks up my work, I am now attempting to create my OWN sweater pattern.  This bad boy is all for ME, I have the yarn I WANT, the measurements for ME and a pattern is ALL MINE..... although if it doesn't work out, I can totally go back and blame Debbie Stoller since I'm learning to write my pattern from HER Superstar knitting Book.  (I really NEVER learn).

I'll let you know how it goes in another 2 years when I have the motivation to attempt to write again.

Awe, I missed you guys so much!  Let's catch up soon okay?!?!

I guess I've been busy?

Huh, I guess it's been a while since I've attempted to blog, but for the life of me I can't think of what I've made lately, although it feels like I've been finishing a butt load of projects, or maybe it's just because I've re written my "To Knit List"....

Lets see....  I did attempt (and fail) and (then) succeed in making a cabled slouchy (or hipster) hat.  I actually made 2 (because I had so much bloody fun with the first one).

Number 1 (we shall refer to as Mr. Green):   Apparently, I cabled completely wrong and I was just getting some weird twist instead of an "actual" cable.  I was pretty damn pleased with myself at the time, and was proudly showing off my new skill at knitting club when the knitting snob of  knitting club pointed out that I was doing it "all wrong".    

Now, let's be clear, I do use the term "snob" in the most loving way possible, she's just always after me to do things the proper way.  You know, to check my gauge, read through the whole pattern before I start it, use the proper size yarn/ needles, and "follow directions", but as you know that's just not my style.  I digress....

That night after knitting club I went home and basically (cried and then) frogged the majority of it and then started again.  Thus, Mr. Green took me about 2 weeks of actual work, (that would mean working on it in the evenings and in my "spare time", not just at knitting club)  Also, it turned out way to big for me, but that could have more to do with the fact that my head is toddler sized than the fact that I did the cables wrong.   All in all, I'd say Mr. Green turned out better than expected seeing as I was basically shitting myself at the thought of learning cables.....

Cabling attempt number 2 (Mr. Brown) actually did work out a little better.   As far as I can tell the cables are done correctly and the hat is a bit smaller due to that fact.... it's still too big for me and my freakishly tiny head of course, but still I think the improvement is noticeable.  Also, it only took me 4 days to finish.   I could (potentially) blame the sizing thing and the fact that the cables aren't right on the fact that it's a Stitch 'N Bitch pattern, meaning it was probably garbage to begin with and it was not likely tested before it was published.... DAMN DEBBIE STOLLER!  But in this case I'm fairly happy with the results so I'm willing to take the blame here.

In addition to completing my super rad hipster hats, I whipped up a light 'urple sweater for Muriel.  Being the good mom I am, (ha ha ha!!)  I was concerned that she didn't have any sweaters for winter so I made one.....which is actually too big for her, and she cries every time I come near her with it, so the chances of her wearing it are quite slim.  But whatever,  I fucking tried!  Maybe she'll learn to love it?   

I used the same pattern that I used to make the lamb sweater seen in an earlier post.  But I didn't include the lambs cause I didn't want her to have the same clothes as her cousin.  (But looking back, that sweater was probably cuter.  Dammit.)  Again I ran out of yarn, (SURPRISE!) but only a little bit and I was going to use white the collar anyways so I just substituted white for a few rows instead of freaking out and trying to find the same yarn again.  It almost looks like I did it on purpose, at least that's what I'm telling myself.  Besides, it'll probably never leave the house.

Also, new this week, my fascination with making Muriel carry around her own shit when we go out!  (Oh no, not like her own poop, I mean like snacks and extra panties..... gross, what kind of person do you think I am!?)   I made a Muriel sized backpack!  It's completed measurements are 5" X 7"  (translation:   Really small)  and it's super cute!   ALSO, SHE LIKES IT!  (Winning!)    Unfortunately it doesn't actually fit a change of clothes and a snack, as I had anticipated., but I suppose I'm still willing to carry some stuff....

Front of backpack, yes the detail stitching is supposed to look like that.... Thank you.

I made the backpack using linen stitch which is a real pain in the ass, cause it takes so damn long, but it doesn't stretch out like regular stockinette stitch does and there are no holes in it for little things to escape..... Unfortunately once I was finished the pack part and was re-reading the pattern to make the straps I realised that the pack was actually supposed to be knit in stockinette (therefore it was supposed to be stretchy) and only the straps were supposed to be in linen stitch.  (DAMMIT!)  I believe we have already discussed reading the entire pattern before hand..... I can be such a moron.

So it took longer than it SHOULD HAVE and I bet if it did stretch, like it SHOULD HAVE, I could put all the stuff in it I wanted.  So again DAMMIT.  At least it's cute.   

Well it would appear that I actually have been busy, I'm just a moron that can't seem remember things from one minute to the next.  Oh well!  

Farkin' Finally!

WHOO FUCKING HOOO.  So finally farking Christmas is over, which means I can FINALLY share all of my Christmas projects with you... Of course most of the people that read this crappy little piece of my mind already received some sort of knitted Christmas by- product from me, so here's hoping you all enjoyed them, 'cause I'm pretty proud and now I get to brag about it.   AND Now we present: 

LAURA'S CHRISTMAS CRAP FEST!

Okay, so let me begin: 

First I knit some hats for some of Muriel's Friends.  (I will apologise if you didn't get one, but I only have so much patience, although I did end up with a surprising surplus of yarn!)  These hats were knit using the pattern for the "Garter and Hearts" hat from the Baby Beanies book that I have come to appreciate and go back to again and again, (this would be the same pattern that I used to make Muriel's multi coloured ear flap hat) using double pointed needles and crocheted (see I can do it) circles for the eyes.  I found/ stole the pattern for the teeth off of another silly little knitting blog, that I would mention, but can't remember the name of (I think I am "following" it, but I don't think she writes it anymore)  And the pattern from the spines came off a pattern for a stuffed Dragon that I knit EONS ago, I just changed the size of them. 

See if you can guess the animal/ Creature type thing!!!  Just kidding, you'll never be able to tell just what it is I was going for.  Anyways, I got the idea for the hats from my lady friend Dawn and then BAM these appeared....  



A Crocodile, I'd show you the back in a nice photo beside this one, but this PIECE OF SHIT PROGRAM FUCKING SUCKS FOR POSTING PHOTOS!  DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT PROGRAM!  I HATE YOU!

 

 





Fucking Cute Hippopotamus, Oh this one worked!



Back view... FUCKING HELL!





This was SUPPOSED to be a dragon, but came out looking more like the creature from the black lagoon, still cool, but not exactly what I was going for.  FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!!









Side view of the Shark, with a sometimes Sticky Uppy  Fin. 
I swear to god, I'm going to smother my computer I'm violently angry right now!

 Arg!   For the love of all that is fucking HOLY, you have NO fucking idea how long that took, I hate this stupid P.O.S program.  FUCK!  Okay.... now where were we.... Oh right, so there are the hats.... if you don't like the view I gave you you can eat shit, because NO, I am not up loading anymore fucking photos.

These hats took a few weeks total, a day or 2 to actually knit each of the hats, then an evening each to knit up and sew all the cool shit on them.  I think I started on them around Halloween and finished them basically last week.... I'm quite sure that if I had worked harder or more "diligently" on them it would have gone a lot faster, but apparently I didn't, so that's that.

MOVING ON!

For Christmas we do a secret Santa type thing....  we draw names for a family members and have a $50 limit to spend on said person.  So I pulled a name..... and bought a gift certificate.   THEN realised that that was really ultra lame and so I used my "mad knitting skills" to knit up some lesbian snow ladies!  See photo below....

YAY!  It worked!  Note their sassy lady hats and Eyelash scarves.... I'm a genius.

Of course the snow ladies ended up being a bit bigger than the pattern said they would be (15" instead of 8"), APPARENTLY I used the "wrong " type of worsted weight yarn... which just goes to show you, ALL the patterns I choose are fucked up. 

Lets see, What else did I make?  Oh, I made a little waist tie apron for Muriel to use in her play kitchen to go with the theme since we got her a bunch of play food.  You know you gotta domesticate them bitches early!  Hahaha, I didn't mean that.... Don't take offence.... seriously, it was a joke.

cute eh?

Hmmm, other than that I believe that I just finished the blanket I was working on for baby #2.  (Providing of course that this one is a boy, otherwise I'm gonna have to Fem it up a little.... it's kinda butch.)   I used a basic basket stitch pattern and just made it as long as I had enough yarn for.... so if you don't bother to count the uneven rows or look for the little places I fucked up 'cause I'm a terrible knitter, it looks pretty darn good!  See....

Ahhh, the trick is, one photo.... ONLY

So with that being said, It would appear that I'm stuck looking for a last minute project for knitting club tonight.... I just worked my ass off for 2 months and now find myself stuck for something to do.... AGAIN.

There are a few things I'd like to try, maybe a sexy slouchy hat?  Not that I've ever been the girl that can pull that look off and look right never mind good, and now that my body is shaped like Grimace (the Hamburgler's purple partner in crime) it's probably not gonna look much better.... but I'd still like to try.  I'm also thinking maybe I'd like to try to do cables.... (OOH another new skill to not master!)  I have a pattern for a cabled slouchy hat, but I'm lacking the tools AND it's a Debbie Stoller pattern, so maybe after the photo debacle today, that's not such a brilliant idea.

Hmmm,  T minus 2 hours to find a project.... and yarn.... and needles.  Or at least something close to the right stuff.... Fuck.  Wish me luck!

P.S.  I hope you all had a lovely holiday..... kiss, kiss!

did you mith me?

Alright, so I know it's been practically forever since I've written, and it's not that I haven't exactly had anything snippy to say, because to be honest I have been knitting my bloody face off and you all know how calm and relaxed that makes me.  It's just that all of the shit I'm currently knitting (with the exception of that damn blanket) can't be shared because they are all fugging Christmas gifts!  Which pisses me off  because not only am I knitting for others, but I'm pretty fucking impressed with my skill level on all this shit.  For instance, I learned to crochet circles.  That's fucking right I did!  All on my own too, You Tube, children's books, and other people have all failed to teach me.  The fact that I can not seem to follow simple instruction has indeed hindered my learning, also it has become apparent to me that I'm a little bit simple. Evidently, I just had to fake it, 'till I could make it.  Crochet!  Who knew!  I know it's a lower art form for us knitters (jk, kinda)  but it's a damn handy skill to have in your knitters arsenal.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't abandoned my blog (ugh, I still hate that word) I just can't talk about anything until after Christmas.  Top Secret and all, you'll see.... It should be worth the wait!  (And if it isn't, just suck it up and tell me I'm brilliant please.)

BEES, BEES!

'Tis the season to knit hats fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!  Again with the hats, I know, I know.... but really they're just so darn cute.  Also, I think I'm finally nailing the whole "I can use this size needle, even though the pattern asks for this size if I just adjust this...."  thing.  I have also realized that this is really stupid and I should just pay the $6.00 and buy myself some stupid 5.5 mm double pointed needles (otherwise known as "the appropriate size for the patterns I keep using")  but whatever, who's got 2 thumbs and is saving themselves $6.00... This guy.  (um, girl).

Anyway here's the here and there of my recent knittings..... 

1.  "BEEEEES, BEEEEES! THEY'RE RIPPING MY FACE OFF"  (it's from Tommy Boy, geez, get a life)  Um, it's a bee hive hat for a lovely little bag lady's 2nd birthday, complete with handmade bees and matching hive mittens... of course.

2.  A fairy hat for my precious and dainty (hahahaha) little Muriel's Halloween costume.  I "fixed" another pattern from that baby beanies book (that I adore) and added a few little stockinette stitch triangles, so they'd curl up like a little flower around the edges using the 3 needle bind off method (impressed, yeah I know) and it's totally cute... and I'm pretty crazy happy that it worked out.

3.  I'm starting a baby blanket, it's going to be very cute with some green and brown chunky yarn... also (as if you didn't know this was coming) I already know that I'm going to run out of yarn because the pattern I chose was too small and it would have been stupid, so I fixed it!

Okay, so that's really it, lame, lame, lame.  I feel like I've done a lot more lately but my husband assures me that I haven't and I'm just losing my mind.  I guess I probably won't be posting anything for a while being that I am going to be knitting a project that will literally, fully consume the rest of my adult life.  So, I'd suggest you bitches best find something better to do with your time for the next little while....awe, I didn't mean the bitches part.... I'll miss you.